Your wedding - your responsibilities

There is a lot to think about in the weeks and months running up to a wedding but one thing that you can't get away from is the fact that you must fill out and submit paperwork to the registrar to give notice of your intention to be married.

The paperwork is called an M10 Marriage Notice and can be collected from the registrars or downloaded from the General Register Office for Scotland website - here:

http://www.gro-scotland.gov.uk/regscot/getting-married-in-scotland/i-want-to-get-married-in-scotland-how-do-i-go-about-it.html
Each party must fill in a separate form so that the registrar can be satisfied that you are both aware of the proposed marriage.


The earliest that this can be done is 3 months before the wedding date and the latest is 15 days before. My advice is to do it three months in advance and get it out of the way. The registrar must be satisfied that you are free to marry each other and so you will need to provide divorce or annulment papers if either of you have been married before or a death certificate if either of you is a widow or widower. If either of you is not a UK citizen, please contact the registrar as soon as possible to check what paperwork you need to provide with your M10 form. There is a fee to be paid when you submit your forms and you'll find up to date details of this at the GRO website above.

The paperwork must be submitted to a register office in the district in which the marriage is to take place. Please check carefully the opening hours of the register office you want to use as some are only open on certain days for limited hours. You can submit your M10's by post but please be sure to attach the correct postage and my advice is to send it registered post. If it doesn't have the correct postage it will be rejected at the register office.

Once the registrar has your paperwork, he/she will prepare a Marriage Schedule which is the paperwork that we will sign on the day.

The Marriage Schedule must be collected by either the bride or the groom in person during the seven day period leading up to the wedding. Nobody else can collect it.

Please check that the details are correct when you collect it. It must be delivered to me before the marriage ceremony can commence. I can't start the ceremony until I have that piece of paper in my hand - there are no exceptions to this rule.

Once you have made the required legal declarations during the ceremony and I have pronounced or declared that you are husband and wife, the Marriage Schedule must be signed straight away in permanent black liquid ink. I will provide the fountain pen for this on the day.

Both the bride and groom sign, I sign and the two witnesses sign. The schedule must then be returned to the registrar from whom it was collected within three days so that the marriage can be officially registered. Anyone can do this. It does not have to be the bride or groom and it can be popped through the letterbox if the register office isn't open. You will then receive a marriage certificate to prove that you are married.

To summarise:

• Fill out and submit the M10 forms to the registrar between three months and fifteen days before the wedding date
• If you post them - make sure you attach the appropriate postage and send by recorded delivery.
• Collect the Marriage Schedule from the registrar during the seven days before the wedding. Only the bride or groom can do this.
• Deliver the schedule to me before the ceremony can commence.
• Return the signed schedule to the register office within three days. Anyone can do this

For any queries about the legal paperwork side of things, the best person to speak to is the local registrar. They are helpful and knowledgeable and will keep you straight about things.

I will do my best to remind you about all of this and I always go over it when we meet but I can't emphasise this enough:


IT IS THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE BRIDE AND GROOM TO ENSURE THAT THE PROPER PAPERWORK IS SUBMITTED WITHIN THE PERMITTED TIMEFRAME. DO NOT RELY ON ME TO REMIND YOU.

I make no apologies for putting the above in big bold block capitals - you do not want to get to four days before the wedding and suddenly realise that the M10's haven't been submitted.

Be prepared

As the popularity of Humanist marriage ceremonies grows it is becoming clear to us that in some areas demand far outstrips supply. This is especially true of areas like Edinburgh and Glasgow where, even though we have a lot of celebrants in place, they still find themselves having to ask celebrants from further afield to travel so that couples can have the ceremony that they want. Of course, if you think about the logistics of it all, most couples want to get married on a Saturday in Summer so that is 12 or maybe 13 Saturdays to choose from. Add in May and that gives us another 4 dates. It really is a pretty small window of opportunity.

The point about all of this is that if you want a Humanist marriage ceremony on a summer Saturday, then my advice is to book as far ahead as possible. Some of my colleagues already have bookings for 2013 so there is no such thing as too soon!

The other thing to think about is that if you aren't tied to a Saturday, think about a Friday, a Sunday or a midweek booking. An added advantage of this is that most venues will offer you a really good deal for any day but Saturday and it could cut costs considerably!

Up here in the Highlands and Islands we are also finding that on certain dates all 11 of us are booked and it is really awful to have to disappoint couples. There is always the option for us to do two ceremonies in one day but that depends on the timings and distances involved and quite often, being a fairly rural area it means that the distance between venues means that this isn't an option.

Weddings outside the high season can be beautiful - just think of a winter wonderland or a sunset ceremony as the leaves are starting to change colour in the autumn and you get the picture. Another advantage to off season weddings in public locations like beaches or castles is that there will be far fewer tourists around, accommodation will be easier and cheaper to find and last but not least - you won't have to contend with the dreaded midgies!

So, the moral of the story is 'book early or be prepared to be flexible about days and/or times'

A wonderful memorial ceremony

I blogged earlier in the month about preparing to do a memorial at a nursing home and I'm happy to say that it all went really well and I had a brilliant time. The 'audience' was made up of staff and relatives of the residents who had passed away and they really seem to appreciate the sentiments and the poetry elements of the ceremony. It was quite emotional as you would imagine and I was really touched by a poem that was read by the grandson of one of the reidents who had passed away last year. It was called 'Slow Dance' and has some wonderful advice for us all with our busy twentieth century lives

Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round
Or listened to the rain slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Do you run through each day on the fly
When you ask "How are you?" do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow
And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
'Cause you never had time to call and say "Hi"?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast
Time is short
The music won't last

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away...

Life is not a race

Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

It's really what we are all about:- slow down and make the most of life whilst you are here because it's the only chance you'll get.

 

Wedding Vows - don't let them stress you out

A lot of couples get stressed when they start to think about the vows that they will make to each other during the wedding ceremony. As far as I'm concerned, it is not absolutely necessary to write your own vows although I admit that a couple of lines that come from the heart are preferable to something that has been lifted randomly from the internet.

For a lot of people though, the thought of trying to put into words the kind of promises that they want to make to their future husband or wife fills them with horror. With the best will in the world, not everyone can do this and so I have a big file of sample vows which might give you inspiration. You may find something in here that says exactly what you want to say and if you do that's great, we'll go with it.

You may find a line here and a line there that you want to put together and mix and match. Again, if that's what you want to do - we'll do it that way.

If you do feel moved to write your own vows, try to do it from the heart. It doesn't have to be Shakespeare - it just has to be pledges that you really mean and that reflect the reality of your life together. Try not to make them too long and involved - short and sweet is better and it will concentrate your mind into focusing on the things that are really important to you both. Try making a list of the things that you miss about each other when you are apart, or list the things that attracted you to each other in the first place. Remember vows don't have to be deadly serious and stuffy and sometimes adding a little humour can be great if that's the kind of people that you are.

Some couples work together on their vows and say identical ones. Some work on them on their own and send them to me separately. That way, the first time that the other person hears them is on the wedding day. Only you two know whether that approach is something that you are both comfortable with.

When it comes to the ceremony itself, there are several ways that we can approach the part where you actually make your vows. Some couples are worried that they will get emotional at this point and it would be strange if they didn't. I always have tissues available so if the emotions get too much, we can take a moment to compose ourselves and then carry on. Don't worry about it....

When the time comes for you to make your vows, I'll ask you both to turn, face each other and join hands. We can then do it one of several ways:

• We can write the vows on a card and you can just read them off.
• I can say the lines individually and you can repeat them after me: for instance 'Stuart - please repeat after me - I promise to always surround you/ with the love that you deserve.
• We can do it in the format where I ask if this is what you promise and you just reply I do - for instance 'Stuart do you promise to always surround Susan with the love that she deserves?' and you just reply - I do

The last option is great for those of you who feel very nervous about actually standing up in front of people and saying very personal words.

You should choose the approach that you feel most comfortable with: don't stress yourselves more than necessary on the day and try to use words that you are comfortable with. If you try to make them very flowery and poetic and that is not who you are, the people who know you will know that you are trying too hard.

Enjoy this very intimate part of your ceremony and remember to look at your future wife or husband when you speak - and not me!!!

Being a celebrant isn't just about weddings..

Weddings are lovely to do and they are certainly on the increase as far as popularity is concerned but I, like a lot of my colleagues became a celebrant to conduct non religious funerals. Weddings are a lovely bonus but for me, funerals are the most wonderfully rewarding work.

Now of course I can't blog about the funerals that I do in the same way that I can talk about weddings but I wanted to share a ceremony that I am involved in planning at the moment.

A couple of months ago I did a funeral for a lady who had passed away at a relatively young age and who had spent the last few months of her life in a nursing home. The funeral director was not one that I had worked with before and he called me a couple of weeks later with a germ of an idea. The manager of the nursing home had been toying for a while with the idea  of having a memorial service for the residents at the nursing home who had passed away the previous year and she wanted it to be non religious so as to include as many people as possible. She had spoken to the funeral director and he had suggested that she approach me which she did. I immediately thought - what a brilliant idea!

When I got to thinking about it, I realised that both the staff and the residents at the nursing home must have to deal with the death of somebody that they had become close to on a regular basis and quite often not be able to attend the funeral to say their farewells to them.

For a nurse, it is part of the job to be faced with the loss of a patient and they deal with it in a professional and yet compassionate manner. For the staff at a nursing or care home, I think it is slightly different. Quite often the residents are with them long term - sometimes for years and they must become quite close to them and to their families. I know that whenever I have performed a funeral for someone who has been in a nursing or care home the family talk about the staff almost as part of the extended family. I don't think that they could do such a wonderful job without caring and compassion but that means that they must grieve for the loss of a patient that they were close to in much the same way as if they lost a friend. The downside though is that they can't all go to every funeral for obvious reasons and so they miss out on what I consider to be a vital part of the grieving process. I hope that the memorial ceremony that I am going to do will go some way to addressing this.

I talked to my good friend and colleague Penelope about the idea for the ceremony and she told me that her mum had spent a long time in a nursing home towards the end of her life. One of the things that she commented on was the fact that when one of the residents passed away, sometimes the first that they knew about it was when they realised that their friends room was empty. Obviously there is immense pressure on nursing home beds and usually within a couple of days there was a new person in the room. With the best will in the world, nursing home staff can't always take residents along to a funeral and so they too can miss out on a chance to say their final farewells to someone they may have known for years. For them too, I hope that the memorial will provide some comfort.

The ceremony will be happening on Saturday and we are just putting the finishing touches to the poetry and the readings and we'll be finishing it all off with a well wishing. As far as I know, this hasn't been done before in this format and so I'm really looking forward to it and hopefully making it an annual occurrence.

Lots of different wedding plans

Over the past couple of weeks I've met up with lots of different couples to start planning their weddings. It's always great to meet them for the first time, even if I've spoken on the phone or exchanged loads of emails. What never ceases to amaze me is that every single couple is different and that they all have their own specific vision of what their wedding day will be like.

It's my job to help them translate that vision into reality. There is no such thing as a standard ceremony and it certainly isn't the case that one size fits all. Every single couple has a unique story and a unique outlook on life and their ceremony should reflect these things.

I encourage couples to take as big a part as they are comfortable with in writing their own ceremony and some launch themselves into it with gusto which is great. Some prefer to just let me know what kind of things they want included and leave it all to me which is also great. It's all about the right ceremony for the right couple.

It's an incredible privilege to be asked to be involved in such a momentous and important day and I try to never lose sight of the fact that I am a guest at their wedding and that it is their day and not mine.

Wedding fayres, harps and cakes and more.....

Just back from a great day at a wedding exhibition at the Ramnee Hotel in Forres. My colleague George and I met lots of prospective brides and grooms who were really enthusiastic and genuinely interested in having a Humanist ceremony. A lot of the couples that we met had got engaged at Christmas or New Year and in one case they got engaged yesterday! This meant that they were at the early stages of planning and a lot of them were talking about weddings for 2012 and even beyond. At one stage people were actually waiting in line to speak to us - we had great fun hearing all of their stories and their ideas about what they want their wedding day to be like.

There were a fair few mums and dads there as well with their daughters/sons and it's always good to be able to explain to them what we are all about. Sometimes mums and dads are a bit unsure when the couple mention the possibility of a Humanist wedding - just because they may have never heard of it. When they meet us and realise that what we offer is very personal whilst being dignified and meaningful at the same time it puts their mind at rest a bit.

Where your table is at a wedding fayre is tremendously important. Today we were between Fiona Kyle who is a talented and inspirational harpist, and Joy Potter who makes fabulous celebration cakes and is based in Fochabers.

Fiona Kyle - Inspirational Harping

Couples often ask me about music for their wedding ceremony and my own personal favourite kind of music for a wedding is a harp (perhaps because I had a harp at my own wedding) Harp music is wonderfully romantic and soothing and can be played as people arrive in the background, for the bride to make her entrance and walk down the aisle, whilst we are signing the paperwork, for the couple to walk out together and as the fizz is served afterwards. It is incredibly versatile and has a beautiful Celtic influence which fits really well within a Scottish wedding. It's often an idea for the harp to play at the quieter more contemplative moments, and have a piper to pipe for the more celebratory parts of the ceremony like when the newly weds make their exit up the aisle.

I was chatting away with Fiona this afternoon and we got talking about the kind of music that she is asked to play. One lady was asking her about some Take That tunes which she played brilliantly but my favourite was Fiona's incredible version of 'Nothing Else Matters' by Metallica. I kid you not - Metallica on the harp and it's great. Go to Fiona's website and you'll find a recording there of her playing it. So, don't think that Harp = classical music, it so doesn't!

Of course one of the best bits about a wedding is the cake and all afternoon there was a steady stream of couples at the stand next door where Joy Potter was exhibiting her beautiful wedding cakes. Joy had a huge selection of pictures in her album as well as on her computer of all the cakes she has done in the past. She had three beautiful ones on display as well - something for all tastes. The proof of the pudding though is in the eating as they say and I can personally vouch for the deliciousness of Joy's cakes. I considered it my duty to taste the chocolate, the madeira and the fruit cake so that I was able to confidently recommend them and I'm happy to say that they were all equally scrumptious!

The other thing that I'll say is that I have seen some incredible prices quoted for wedding cakes - some into the many many hundreds of pounds. I was glad to see that Joy had some of her prices on display today and they seemed to me to be excellent value for such professionally made delicious cakes.

We were lucky to have Marie from Highland Occasions by Design opposite us. Marie runs a fantastic business offering venue dressing for your wedding so that means chair covers and sashes, stunning table centrepieces and lots lots more. There always seemed to be somebody at her stand and if the gorgeous centrepieces on display are anything to go by, she will do a great job transforming your venue for your big day. For those of you considering a wedding at a local village hall or similar venue then it could be a great option. You can have the convenience and affordability of a local hall without compromising on elegance and those little details that pull it all together.

Stunning contemporary centrepiece from Highland Occasions by design

It's great to do some networking at events like this and even better when the businesses that you meet are local, affordable and professional. I believe passionately that local is always better in many ways: it keeps the economy going, it supports local jobs and it means that we aren't all travelling hundreds of miles and burning lots of fuel to do it!

All in all it was a great day, lots of chat, lovely music and cake too..

The thorny issue of money

The issue of money is one that many of us feel uncomfortable discussing, especially when we are discussing wedding ceremonies and arrangements so I thought that it might be worthwhile detailing my approach to the financial arrangements to avoid any misunderstanding or embarrassment.

The Humanist Society of Scotland sets the recommended fees for all ceremonies and up to date details of these can be found here. The current fee for weddings in 2011 is £275. On top of this we charge travelling expenses at 50 p per mile. These travelling expenses are charged for all travel in connection with the wedding so this includes travelling to meetings with the bride and groom in the run up to the wedding. It may sometimes happen that it is easier for me to take the train to get to a ceremony and if this was the case, I would come to an arrangement with the bride and groom as to the expenses incurred.

If a bride and groom wanted to meet with me before making a decision as to whether they wanted me to perform their ceremony, I wouldn't charge travelling expenses for this.

If the wedding is at a considerable distance from my home, it may be necessary for me to stay overnight and if this was the case, the cost for this would be borne by the bride and groom. The same goes for any expenses occurred to get to the venue such as tolls or ferry crossings. I am happy to work out how much the potential travelling expenses will be before a couple commit to make a booking. Travelling expenses can soon mount up and so I would be happy to try and find a celebrant who is closer if the travelling expenses become prohibitive.

If a couple want to have a rehearsal in the run up to the wedding, the HSS have set a recommended fee of £30 for this and there would be travelling expenses on top of this.

Once a couple have decided that they want to make a firm booking, I will ask them to pay a non refundable deposit of £50. The reason that I ask for a deposit is that once I have a booking for a specific time on a specific day then I will turn down other bookings which may clash with it. If a couple then change their mind for whatever reason, I may have turned down bookings and disappointed other couples.

The balance of the fee plus the travelling and any other expenses will be invoiced to the bride and groom a couple of weeks before the wedding. It is much appreciated if the balance can be paid in advance of the wedding day by cheque or bank transfer. If a couple do want to pay on the day - that's fine but my advice is to delegate the task to the best man or some other responsible person. The last thing that I am going to do having just declared that you are husband and wife is follow you down the aisle with my hand out asking for money! Not very dignified I'm sure you'll agree....


If there are any questions at all that you have to do with the money side of things, please don't hesitate to ask. It is much better to get these things sorted out in advance than to postpone dealing with them and causing offence or embarrassment.

Candles for places that don't allow candles!

There are a lot of places that don't allow real candles due to good old health and safety rules - notably anywhere owned by Historic Scotland, but candles really do give a lovely atmosphere so what do you do instead?

You can get some great imitation candles now that are battery operated and even have that lovely flickering effect. They are getting better and better as they get more popular and I saw some today on a website for half price. Check it out here:
Flickering candles

Don't they look great and no worries about rules and regulations.

Where can I get married?

Humanist celebrants are authorised by the Registrar General of Scotland to solemnise marriages in accordance with the Marriage (Scotland) Act 1977. The law says that we can conduct marriage ceremonies anywhere that is safe and dignified. We are not restricted to places that have a licence for a Civil ceremony, nor are we restricted as to the time of day or day of the week.

Some venues confuse us with a 'Civil' ceremony because we do not include any religious content. We do not conduct civil ceremonies - only registrars can perform these and only in places that are properly licenced. The rules that apply to a civil ceremony do not apply to Humanist ceremonies. We are regarded by the law in the same way as ministers of religion in that there are only two types of wedding in Scotland: Civil or religious. As we do not conduct civil ceremonies we must ergo technically conduct 'religious' ones but this encompasses 'other belief systems' of which we are definitely one. Confused - I know what you mean!


The important thing in all this is that we can conduct a totally legal wedding ceremony anywhere on Scottish soil that is safe and dignified and at any time of day on any day of the week.

So, the options are endless......

• Get married in your own house or garden
• Get married at a favourite local landmark
• Get married at the top of your favourite mountain
• Get married on the beach
• Get married on a boat on a loch (some specific conditions have to be adhered to!)
• Get married on a boat at sea (again some specific conditions apply)
• Of course you may prefer a more traditional venue like a local hotel or village hall...

Not one of mine - but what a setting!!

When you fill out your M10 forms for the  registrar prior to the wedding, you must state where the ceremony is to take place. If your intended venue is at all out of the ordinary, you should speak to the local registrar to ask what he/she wants you to put. For instance, in the case of a beach wedding, is it OK to just put 'East beach Lossiemouth' or do you need to be much more specific - perhaps an ordnance survey grid reference? Be aware that the ceremony must be conducted at the specific place designated on the marriage schedule. It can only be changed after consultation with the registrar.

If it says 'The Newton Hotel' then the ceremony can take place anywhere within the buildings or the grounds of the Newton Hotel.

If it says the 'the summit of Ben Nevis' then it must take place at the summit - not half way up!

So use your imagination but consider your guests too. You may want to trail up to the top of Stac Pollaidh to get married but the chances of great auntie Ethel making it up there are slim! The same goes for public spaces - remember that everybody loves a wedding and so they will want to stop and watch and there's not a thing you can do about it except enjoy the attention. It is almost obligatory for a busload of Japanese/Italian/American tourists to arrive at the exact same moment as the bride whenever I go to Elgin Cathedral or Spynie Palace! They always make a bee line for the men in kilts of course as well as the piper but usually keep a respectful distance once the ceremony starts.

Warn your guests too about suitable clothing and footwear for your venue. Ladies in particular do love to get dressed up for a wedding but those five inch stilettoes may not be the best footwear for Clava Cairns in the pouring rain.

Can I arrange a surprise wedding for my fiance(e)?

The only answer I'm afraid is a big resounding NO!

The legalities of getting married in Scotland are such that both parties to the marriage must complete and sign paperwork for the registrar at least 15 days before the wedding so that the powers that be can check that everything is above board. This means that it is impossible to arrange it all in secret and spring it on an unsuspecting partner.

In other words, the

    'lets go for a walk on the beach...oh look, who is this...oh it's Janet - a Humanist celebrant who just happens to be here, how do you fancy getting hitched right now??'

scenario is not an option - romantic though it may be!

 

Getting married in Scotland

So how does the legal part of getting married work then? The following  applies only in Scotland, it will be different for other countries within the UK.

Firstly, a marriage in Scotland is conducted between a male and a female who are over 16 years of age. There is a whole other set of rules for couples wanting to have a same sex Civil Partnership ceremony and at present these can only be conducted by a registrar.

The Paperwork

The paperwork for the marriage ceremony is the same whether you are being married by a minister of religion, a Humanist celebrant, a registrar or indeed any other celebrant who is authorised to conduct legally binding wedding ceremonies in Scotland.

Between three months and fifteen days before the date of the wedding, both parties to the marriage must complete a form each called a Marriage Notice (M10). This gives notice of your intention to marry each other and asks for your personal details, parents details, details of date and venue for the wedding along with details of the person who is to 'solemnise' the marriage. This form can be collected from the registrar or can be downloaded from the website of the
General Register Office of Scotland.

There are notes that can be downloaded too to help you fill it out. You will need to provide your birth certificate and, if applicable:

• Divorce/dissolution or annulment documents if either of you has been married or in a civil partnership before
• Death certificate if either of you is a widow or widower
• If either of you is not a UK citizen, there is additional paperwork to complete. You must speak to the registrar if this is the case and ask what documents you are required to produce.

There is a fee to be paid when you submit these forms and up to date details will be found on the GRO website above.

The earliest that you can submit the M10 forms is three months before the wedding and my advice is to do it as soon as you can so that it is one less thing to think about as the wedding gets closer. This is especially true if you have a lot of paperwork to produce e.g if you are coming from abroad.

The latest that you can submit the M10's is 15 days prior to the wedding date and it is a good idea to phone the registrar before you send them just to let them know that they are on their way.

Submitting your paperwork

The M10 forms and the appropriate fee must be submitted to the registrar in the district in which the wedding is taking place. This can be done by post but to be on the safe side, make sure and send it all by registered post so that you can be sure that it will get to its destination.

As far as registration districts are concerned, Scotland is divided up into several regions. There may be several district offices within that registration district. For instance, Elgin is within the Moray registration district and there are four offices: Buckie, Elgin, Forres and Keith. If you are getting married at any venue in Moray, your paperwork can be submitted to any of these offices: It does not have to be the one closest to the wedding venue. Bear in mind though that you will have to collect the marriage schedule from the same office and return it to that same office after the wedding - more about that later. You should also check opening hours for the register offices as some of them are only open part time hours.

Once they have received your paperwork, the registrar will issue a 'Marriage Schedule' which is available for either the bride or groom to collect in person from the office during the seven days before the wedding. It must be either the bride or groom who collects it. No  exceptions!

The  Marriage Schedule is the piece of paper that we will all sign after the legal declarations have been made during the ceremony (equivalent to signing the 'register'). It must be produced to me before the ceremony can start so once you have collected it from the registrar make sure and take good care of it. At the risk of labouring a point here, I cannot overemphasise the importance of the marriage schedule. If you tell me that it is on the kitchen table and somebody is bringing it so 'can we just start and it will be here by the time we get to the legal declarations?' then the answer is no.

The law is very specific. I must have the marriage schedule in my hand before I can start the ceremony.

Once we have completed the legal declarations within the ceremony, we will then sign the marriage schedule as a legal record of the marriage. The bride and groom sign it (the bride signs with her maiden name), I sign it and two witnesses must also sign. The witnesses can be anybody as long as they are over sixteen years of age and are present when the legal declarations are made.

The signing of the schedule must take place in the same place that the wedding ceremony took place i.e. at the venue stated on it. You can't get married on the beach and then run back to the car because it started raining and sign the schedule at home .

As the marriage schedule is a legal document it must be signed with a fountain pen using black liquid permanent ink. Don't worry about this. I will supply the pen and ink and there will be a chance to practice before signing if you aren't used to writing with a fountain pen or are understandably just a little bit nervous.

It is important that the Marriage Schedule is put somewhere safe after the wedding ceremony so that it doesn't get lost or damaged. If we are somewhere like a hotel, I will give it to the reception desk to put in the hotel safe. Otherwise I will ask the bride and groom in advance who I should give it to for safekeeping.

After the wedding

The signed marriage schedule must be returned to the register office which issued it within three days of the wedding. That is three days, not three working days so for a Saturday wedding it must be with the registrar by Tuesday. The good news is that it can be returned by anybody, it doesn't have to be the bride and groom so if you are zooming off somwhere on honeymoon you can give it to someone you trust implicitly to return on your behalf. The registrar will then be able to produce a marriage certificate for you.

So that's all there is to it. If you have any questions at all about the legal aspects of getting married in Scotland, your first port of call should always be the local registrar - they are the experts and are unfailingly helpful.

Niall and Sarah married at Spynie Palace on 7th July 2010

Sarah and Niall travelled from Canada to get married at Spynie Palace last summer. They have made their home in Canada but chose to return to Niall's hometown to get married. He and Sarah met when they both worked at the same summer camp in Maine. Sarah is Canadian and she brought family and friends with her from Canada to help her and Niall celebrate. For most (if not all) of them it was their first taste of Scottish hospitality.

We did all of the planning and composing of the ceremony by email and Sarah was a delight to work with as she knew exactly what she wanted. We met for the first time for a rehearsal the day before the wedding. Sarah is a talented and dynamic businesswoman who just happens to be a professional wedding photographer so imagine the pressure on whoever she chose to take her own wedding photographs! She chose somebody who she could trust - her good friend Hope Hanson who is a successful and accomplished photographer in her own right.

Now, sometimes wedding photographers can get a bad press because some people feel that they can hold things up and get in the way a bit. Well, I have to say that I have never had this experience. Your wedding photographs will be with you for the rest of your life and they capture those precious moments in a day that can fly by in a blur. It is so important to choose your photographer carefully and to let them know exactly what you want.

Hope was a pleasure to work with, very relaxed and informal and not at all intrusive. She got some fabulous shots and her style is a little different to other photographers that I have worked with. Perhaps it is the Canadian influence or perhaps she is just incredibly talented but the joy and happiness that we all felt on the day really radiates from her work. Her approach was the perfect complement to a Humanist ceremony - all about the people and the joy!

Of course it helps to have a beautiful backdrop for the wedding and Niall and Sarah couldn't have chosen better. Spynie Palace is owned by Historic Scotland and is just a few minutes drive from Elgin on the way to Lossiemouth. The setting is stunning and the only drawback is that it is open to the elements so we were keeping everything crossed for good weather. We were in luck. It was a little bit blowy but the rain stayed away.

For the eagle eyed amongst you, you may notice that Niall and Sarah are standing on the opposite sides to where a bride and groom would normally stand. There's a reason for this.

A bride would usually enter and walk down the aisle on her fathers right arm. This is traditionally the only time that a gentleman would have a lady on his right because usually she would be on his left so that he had his right (sword) hand free to defend her honour! On her wedding day though, a bride's honour didn't need to be defended and so she would be on her fathers right.

However, the layout of Spynie Palace means that the bride enters from a door in the corner and I wanted Niall to be able to relax and watch for her arriving without having to twist his neck. There is a very special moment when a groom first catches a glimpse of his bride and I wanted everyone to be able to see his face so I moved Niall to the other side from usual. It worked perfectly so remember, don't feel tied to doing things the 'traditional' way. It is your day so don't be afraid to think outside the box a little!

One of the things that Niall and Sarah chose to include in their ceremony was the Celtic ritual of Handfasting. There are many stories about the origins of a handfasting but in times gone by, a couple were symbolically bound together at the wrist. The obligation lasted for a year and a day. After this they could choose to go their own separate ways or choose to be officially regarded as married and the union was then binding. Nowadays a handfasting is more of a symbolic joining of a couple and Niall and Sarah really entered into the spirit of things.

The whole day was wonderfully warm and intimate and I hope that Niall and Sarah returned to their home in Canada with some very happy memories of their special day. They worked incredibly hard to make all of their guests welcome and the Canadian contingent seemed to enjoy the 'kilt' experience. Judging from the evening photographs, they wholeheartedly embraced the 'ceilidh' experience as well!

Thinking outside the box also applies to your photos. Don't feel obliged to stick to traditional poses or groupings. Sometimes the most off the wall and unusual ideas work best!

Photos on this page are by Hope Hanson. She is based in Mississauga, Ontario and you can find more details about her here Hope Hanson

To rehearse or not to rehearse?..that is the question.

Many couples ask me about whether it is necessary to have a rehearsal in advance of the wedding ceremony given that there are usually a million other things to think about and pinning everyone down can be a real problem. My answer, as with most things is that it is really up to you. Some couples are perfectly happy to take a relaxed and informal approach, feeling that if it looks too 'rehearsed' then the ceremony might lose some of it's spontaneity and charm. I can absolutely see where they are coming from and for some couples it is the right approach. If you are quite laid back in your approach to the whole day and feel more at home just 'making it up as you go along' on the day then a rehearsal might actually detract from your experience.

I did a beautiful wedding in the garden of the bride and grooms house and it was a wonderfully intimate and informal occasion. As the bride reached the groom at the front and took his hand, their dog followed her down the 'aisle' and curled up at their feet where it promptly fell asleep. As I pronounced them husband and wife and everyone cheered and clapped it lifted its head as if to say "what's all the noise?" and went back to sleep. We couldn't have rehearsed that!

If however, you are the kind of couple who feel more comfortable having control of things and dotting all of the i's and crossing all of the t's, then I would strongly advise that a rehearsal is a good idea for your peace of mind. Things to think about include

• Is there somebody who will co-ordinate the music starting and stopping?
• Which 'route' will the bride take to make her entrance? Is the entrance music long enough? Is it too long? Are there steps to be negotiated?
• Will the bridesmaid(s) enter before or after the bride? This can be particularly relevant if you have little ones as flower girls or page boys.
• The bride and her attendants need to practise their walk as most people, being a little nervous tend to make a dash for it. It is the bride's big moment and she needs to take it slowly and milk that moment in the spotlight for all she is worth.
• Where will everyone stand during the ceremony?
• If friends or family members are reading a poem or otherwise taking part, where will they be seated and where will they stand to do their reading? At their place in the seats or down at the front?
• Which way will the bride and groom face? I prefer that the bride and groom face their guests during the ceremony, until the time comes for the vows and the legal declarations when I ask them to face each other and join hands. After all the guests are there to see the bride and groom make a public commitment of their love for each other - not to see the backs of their heads. If you feel that to face your guests would make you feel so nervous that you would not enjoy the ceremony then of course we can do it the other way. Remember - it's your ceremony!
• After the ceremony is over and you make your exit as husband and wife, who follows you next? Best man, bridesmaids? Which order? Who escorts who?

Having a rehearsal can avoid the situation where bridesmaids, flower girls and page boys mill around a bit at the front because nobody really knows where they are supposed to be. It just means that the whole proceedings are smooth and polished.

A rehearsal also gives me a chance to meet all of the wedding party so that on the day, there doesn't need to be a whole lot of formal introductions and the atmosphere is much more relaxed.

The choice is yours, I am more than happy with both approaches so have a think about which category you fall into - Bridezilla or Bohemian....only joking!!!!

Dinner and conversation

Cheesecake brownies

I had the pleasure to spend much of Tuesday evening last week with a celebrant colleague Penelope Hamilton. We met for coffee and a chat and she ended up at ours for a meal and  a glass or two of wine.

It was great to catch up, we both have busy lives and Penelope spends much of hers on the move so we make a real effort to meet. We chatted about life, love, loss and exchanged experiences as celebrants. We both trained together and so we always love to share stories and give each other tips on how to be better at what we do. We  both realised that every single ceremony is a learning experience. I always value her input as she is such a wise and philosophical person. The support of my fellow celebrants is very important to me and although we are very scattered in the Highlands and Islands we know that we are all always just at the end of the phone or an email if there is a difficult situation that we have to deal with. Sometimes you just need to unload about a particularly stressful ceremony and only another celebrant would understand.

Anyway, last week we had a lovely evening and it reminded me that there is real pleasure in sharing good food, good wine and good conversation with people whose friendship you value. Oh - and the best bit: I made chocolate cheesecake brownies and there are still some left today! yummm

Winter ceremonies can bring their own challenges

Tricky driving conditions.....

The thing about ceremonies is that you just have to be there. This applies as much to weddings as it does to funerals. I was contacted by a lovely couple several weeks ago who are getting married at Glen Tanar in rural Aberdeenshire next February. Now at first I thought what a beautiful venue, I'd love to do it but then I remembered the weather at the same time this year. We were practically snowed in for weeks at a time and even with a 4x4 it was challenging to say the least.

I managed to keep going with all of the funerals I did but there was no way that I would have considered driving down to rural Aberdeenshire so I had to tell the couple that it would probably be better if they looked for someone nearer at hand. I just didn't want them to be worried on the day that I might not manage to get there. After all - no celebrant = no wedding.

Of course it's entirely possible that it will be a beautiful day and the roads will be fine but I can't afford to take that chance and I didn't want them to either. I would dearly have loved to have done it, especially because they asked for me in particular because they had seen my profile on the HSS website but at the end of the day I have to do what's right for the bride and groom. It's too important a day to let there be any doubts about anything.

I'll keep an eye out on their wedding day next year and see whether we made the right decision.

A winter wedding could be very romantic